Fail

It's a dumb pride thing, but boy do I hate looking like I don't know what's going on. This has come to light more clearly as I've been living in a new country in the last month. Everything is different: filling up with gas, public transport, banks, shopping, the processes at work. But I don't want people to know that I don't know. I research as much as possible before doing it, and even if I'm still unsure I just plough ahead with a confident look on my face, so that I can keep my uncertainty a secret. It's so silly, I know! I know that the people hardly even notice me, either way.

But I was thinking about this today, and asking myself, "why am I like this?!" I think the root causes are pride and the fear of failure. I say failure because doing something wrong, being lost, or having to ask for help is for me a 'failure' of being the perfect person. 

Failure is the worst. It can really, really hurt. Whether it's a driving test (failing this broke my spirit in the most needed way when I was 18) or math test (yip, got a solid 3% at university once) or failing to live up to my own impossible standards for myself—failure sucks. Its effects reach much further than the failed activity itself and too often can begin to erode self-worth and confidence and the desire to keep going and try again.  

I know it shouldn't be like this. I know that failure is par for the course of life; that absolutely everyone fails repeatedly their whole life long. And I know that this disappointment is simply a feeling that will fade in time. I know, but sometimes just knowing isn't quite enough to shake it. 

So how am I learning to deal with failure? 

1. Separating the failure from my worth and remembering where my worth is truly found

My worth is not found in passing tests, or impressing people, or having a 'perfect' day.

“Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.”- Luke 12:6-7

It doesn’t say, “you are of more value than many sparrows if you get 100%.” It doesn’t say “you are of more value than many sparrows if you are an impressive person.” There is no requirement or threshold or qualification to have worth. Because in the sight of God (i.e. the MOST important being in the universe), you’re immeasurably and immensely full of worth! And because my worth is rooted in him, nothing I do or don't do has the ability to alter that worth, for better or for worse. 

It’s not what I do, or even who I am, but whose I am. My belonging to Jesus is unshakable, therefore my worth in him is unshakable too. 

2. Trusting God's plan and his control

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” - Jeremiah 29:11

My entire life is directed by God. The highs and the lows are within his control. He see the bigger picture, he knows the end of the story and every step along the way as well. He is not surprised, even when I fail, even when everything feels like it's spinning out of control. 

This brings such a sense of peace that I won't ever find by relying on myself. God's got me, through the successes, failures and everything in between.

3. Admitting it hurts, then moving on

Bottling up feelings is never the best idea. I tell myself to man up and harden up and say “I’m fine!” when really, I'm not. And I don't think that helps at all.

I have to remind myself that I'm allowed to feel. That emotions aren't inherently evil; it's how I act out of them that can be. So I'm allowed to be honest about my feelings. I'm allowed to feel disappointed. I'm allowed to mourn the loss of my success.

And the active processing of that allows me to move on. I can't stay in that rut of sadness and pity all the time, otherwise it will become too comfortable and too much like home. I think it's important to acknowledge the feelings, but never to let them dictate me. 

In order to move on, I have to remind myself that it's not over until the fat lady sings, and she ain't singing until the day I find myself face to face with Jesus. It's important to fully live through this chapter, feelings and all, so that I can freely turn the page to what is next. And there are still so many other chapters to be lived out. My failure is not the last sentence in my story.

Not that I'm an expert in this by any means, but by taking little baby steps, I am starting to find that failure and the fear thereof doesn't have to define me. I'm growing in my ability to shake off the failure and try again. To step out and do new things, even when I'll likely fail the first time, because I'm learning that it doesn't for a second impact my identity and worth. 

Jesus told his disciples that they would have trouble and tribulations in this world, but his solution to that wasn't to simply give up. He called them to be of good cheer and take heart, trusting in his overcoming power. The same is true for us. No matter how big or small, let's step out and do the things we need to do, trusting in Jesus for our worth and story, and knowing that failure is only one step toward those goals.

Today I saw a Facebook memory from 7 years ago where I had shared a quote from Jon Acuff:
"Though fear tries to tell me otherwise, the truth is that the size of my failures will never eclipse God's ability to redeem them."

So I just wanted to write all this to remind you (and me) that life is more than a list or a certificate or an achievement. That your failure will never trump Jesus. Because failure and its feelings are not forever. But Jesus and his love are.